


The Heart Has Reasons That Reason Cannot Know

by sl768



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:07:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24330313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sl768/pseuds/sl768
Summary: There's nothing better than a young Tobin pining over a certain green-eyed girl, but it won't be easy. Junior year is going to be very interesting.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 65
Kudos: 226





	1. Crash Into You

**Author's Note:**

> My first shot at writing. Let me know what you think. Parts of this story are inspired by a certain teenage drama TV show.

“C’mon, Toby! We’re gonna be late!”

“Alright, I get it!” Tobin groans as she places a maroon snapback on her head to top off her outfit of ripped jeans and a white tee. Kelley has been bouncing around her bedroom as she’s getting ready to go. Zach Ertz is throwing a house party to celebrate the last weekend before school starts. His parentless house is about to become a teenage playground for the next 10 hours.

“Is Pinoe on her way?” Tobin asks about their other best friend, Megan Rapinoe, who promised to be the designated driver for the night.

“Yeah, she just texted. She’s outside! LET’S GO!” Kelley has absolutely no chill tonight. It’s been too long since all of their classmates have gotten together in the presence of music and alcohol.

“Okay, jeez!” Tobin shouts back with a chuckle. She lets her energetic friend lead them out of the house to where Pinoe is waiting in the driveway.

Kelley jumps onto the hood of the car and shouts, “LET’S GET IT!!”

“Oi! You’re gonna ding up my ride, you fucker! Get in here!” Pinoe shouts out the open window.

Tobin laughs at the antics as they get into the car. Quick on her feet, Tobin sneaks into the front seat much to Kelley’s dismay.

“Alright, let’s hit the road. We’ve got places to be!” Kelley demands.

“I’m sorry, Kelley, can you remind me who’s car this is?”

“Yours,” Kelley says in a rare inside voice.

“And who’s the all-time leading scorer for the Belmont High School girls’ soccer team?” Pinoe asks with a grin.

Kelley rolls her eyes as she groans, “You are.”

“Okay, now that we’ve reminded you of those important facts, we can go. Time to party!” Pinoe says to lighten Kelley’s mood.

“FINALLY!”

Pinoe starts driving towards Zach’s house. “So, P, excited to see Sue tonight?” Kelley asks with a mischievous grin.

“Hm, maybe I’ll see her, maybe I won’t.” Pinoe shoots back. Tobin smiles. Even though Pinoe is known around school for being a bit of a womanizer, a different girl on her arm almost every week, this summer she’s been consistently seeing the long-haired star of the Belmont High School girl’s basketball team.

“Oh, drop the act, P. We all know Sue’s got you wrapped around her finger,” Tobin interjects.

Pinoe looks over at Tobin with a grin, “Oh, yeah? Says the girl who’s been pining over the same girl since like the 6th grade. You’ve got it so bad, and the worst part is that she has a boyfriend. You’ve got so many options and of course you pick the impossible one.” Tobin’s cheeks flare up as she’s exposed by her best friend.

“Oooo unrequited love? Who is it, Toby?” Kelley probes, bouncing in her seat.

“Uh huh. The hot cheerleader who’s been dating Nathan Carter since middle school,” Pinoe says.

Kelley fake gags, “Yuck, Nathan Carter is the worst. He always comes to our games and boos at us because he’s salty that the girls’ team is better than the guys’. But I actually heard they broke up like 2 weeks ago.”

Tobin whips her head back to Kelley, “I’m sorry, what? I thought they were end game, like gonna get married as soon as they graduate and become king and queen of the town. What happened? How do you know that?”

Kelley shrugs with a smile at her buddy’s barrage of questions. “Yeah, guess not. Nate threw a party for the guys’ soccer team and their girlfriends at his lake house and apparently, he was drunk driving his dad’s boat with his buddies while people were swimming in the lake. Someone almost got hurt. I don’t know much more than that, but I guess his girlfriend was super pissed at him, with reason. I heard about it because Ash has been hooking up with a cheerleader who told her. Wouldn’t be summer vacation without a dramatic breakup.”

“Damn it, Kelley! How long have you known about this!?” Pinoe asks, knowing that Tobin has had a crush on that girl for the longest time, even if she doesn’t talk about it.

“Uh, a couple days. I forgot! I thought Tobin was over her when it didn’t seem like she would ever leave Carter.” To be honest, Tobin also thought she was over her. It seemed like a lost cause. She also didn’t want to be stuck on a girl dating a complete tool. But an almost sickening feeling in her stomach emerged when she thought about the potential of seeing her newly single crush.

“Well, I bet she’ll be there tonight. She’s best friends with Zach’s girlfriend. You could be a nice shoulder to cry on, Toby,” Pinoe says with a wink.

Tobin puts her hands on her face with a groan, “I was not prepared for this. I finally got her out of my mind this summer.”

Seeing her friend’s internal struggle, Kelley puts her hands on Tobin’s shoulders from the backseat, “Don’t worry, Toby! Just focus on tonight, the last party before school starts! We’ll take a couple shots, dance with some girls, and finish the night with some drunk McDonald’s. Let go of all that other stuff.”

Tobin removed her hands from her face. _Damn–Kelley can make a lot of sense sometimes_. “You’re right!” she grins. “I’m not gonna let a girl ruin my night. A girl who doesn’t even know I exist…”

“Tobs, any girl would be lucky to know you. The real you. And we’re so lucky to have you as a friend. Even though you’re a total dork,” Pinoe says, looking over with a wide smile.

“Right on!” Kelley says with a grin as they pull up to Zach’s house which is more like a small mansion. Tobin pushes down her feelings as they walk through the front door. The house is already filled with what seems like 100 kids from their school. Kelley runs off towards the keg while Pinoe runs towards the group of basketball girls. Tobin sighs at her easily distracted friends and looks around the party until her eyes lock on a group of girls at the bottom of the staircase. There they are. The IT girls of the school: Alex Morgan, Ali Krieger, and Julie Ertz. All beautiful cheerleaders in Tobin’s grade. But there is one notable omission from the group. Zach has his arms around Julie when he notices Tobin standing there alone.

“Yo, Heath! Come say hi!” Zach shouts at Tobin. They had gotten pretty close over the summer as they often worked out at the school’s weight room, trying to stay in shape for football and soccer. Zach and Tobin dab each other up as the girls of the group eye Tobin up and down. Tobin has always been pretty popular as a star athlete and fairly good student, but she’s pretty quiet so this crowd may not be particularly impressed.

Julie laughs at her boyfriend and waves at Tobin. “Hey Tobin, how was your summer?”

“It was pretty good. Unfortunately, I had to see this guy way too often,” Tobin says with a teasing grin.

“Hey! That’s a lie, you love working out with me. I’m the only football guy that can keep up with you,” Zach says.

“Eh, I guess you’re okay. I can still crush you in a pull-up contest.”

“Even I can do more pull-ups than you, Zach,” says Julie, joining in on the roast.

“Ugh, don’t rub it in my face. Who are you here with Tobs?”

“I came with Kelley and Pinoe.”

“Oh yeah, I can see Megan with Sue. So, are they dating?” Julie asks curiously.

“Nope, nothing official yet. But they’ve been chilling together all summer,” Tobin says, not wanting to gossip about her friend. A door slams upstairs and the group’s attention shoots to the top of the staircase as a couple is screaming at each other.

“Seriously, Nate!? It wasn’t just the lake house shit! It’s the drinking, and the drugs, and the girls. You’re not who I thought you were! I can’t believe how fucking blind I’ve been.” The raven-haired girl with the caramel skin says as she’s waving her arms around angrily. Enter: Christen Press. Cheerleader. Track star. Honors student. Not to mention smoking hot. The girl that Tobin has been pining over since the first time she saw her in the hallway in 6th grade, long, curly locks flowing down her back. The crush only increased when they sporadically shared classes together, and Tobin realized how smart and thoughtful Christen was. She truly was the whole package.

“What about you, Chris!? You think you’re so innocent? I see how you look at the guys, and the girls for that matter. You just can’t help yourself. You’d throw yourself at anything with a pulse,” the burly boy shouts in the girl’s face.

“Fuck you, Nate. I’ve been nothing but loyal to you,” Christen bites back.

“You’re just a dumb slut and I only kept you around for so long because I could fuck you whenever I want. Just a nice piece of ass to keep around for when I’m bored. I can get any girl I want and I’m so glad I don’t have to put up with all of your emotional baggage anymore. What a fucking waste of time.”

“Shut the fuck up Carter! You can leave!” Zach shouts as Christen speeds down the steps with tears in her eyes and an angry look on her face. Julie and Ali each grab an arm with Alex following as they brush past Tobin and Zach.

Tobin’s eyes are on Christen as Nate stomps down the stairs and shoves Tobin’s shoulder. “What the fuck are you looking at?” Nate spits at Tobin.

“Nothing. Just watching you make the biggest mistake of your life,” Tobin shrugs.

“Fuck you, Heath. And you too, Ertz. You’ll regret kicking me out.” He slams the door on his way out.

“God, that guy is so annoying. I’m so glad Christen finally broke up with him. She’s way too good for that douche. Wanna go get a beer?” Zach asks.

Tobin shrugs. “Yeah, he gives the soccer team a bad rep. I’d love a beer,” she grins.

Three beers with Zach and two shots with Kelley later and Tobin has a pleasant buzz, but she still can’t stop thinking about Christen. Nate really said some fucked up shit. She didn’t realize just how bad their relationship had been, but she had heard rumors and saw the way Nate would treat people at school. He just didn’t seem like a good guy. Why did Christen stay with that prick for so long?

She’s dancing with Kelley and a few girls from the soccer team when the blasting music and multitude of sweaty bodies becomes too much. She heads outside to the patio to take a break.

She’s surprised to see the long, straightened black hair, and even longer legs of one Christen Press leaning over the balcony. She’s wearing a cute black dress and her arms are hugging her waist in the chilly breeze of the night. Tobin’s stomach almost drops through her pants and she scrambles to get back inside through the sliding door, but it’s stuck. _Are you kidding me, stupid door?!_ Christen turns her head to see what all the noise is about.

“Hello, Tobin Heath. Trying to get away from me too?” Christen turns her head back to peer over the balcony.

“Wha-? No! Uh, I just thought maybe you wanted to be alone,” Tobin says as she walks up beside Christen and leans over the railing.

“Hm, so you witnessed my love life of the past 2 and a half years go up in flames? I’m glad I was able to offer free entertainment for half of the student body,” Christen says with a self-deprecating laugh.

“Carter’s a dick. Nobody on the soccer team likes him very much– wait you know who I am?”

“Of course I do. The girl’s soccer team has won states for the past 2 years. I went to the games. It’s refreshing to watch some actually good soccer after being stuck watching the guys team lose all of the time. I can tell just from watching a few games that you’re a special player,” Christen turns her head to look at Tobin. _Jeez, how do her eyes look so amazing even though it’s pitch black outside._

“Well soccer is really special to me,” Tobin says once she notices that Christen is watching her expectantly.

“I can tell,” Christen says with a smile, her green eyes seem to twinkle at the comment.

“Can I ask you something?” Tobin decides to get as much as she can from the rare interaction.

“Sure, as long as it’s not about Nate.”

“Why are you a cheerleader? It doesn’t seem like your type of crowd. I saw that you won that writing contest last year, and you’re at the top of our class.”

“Oh, so a cheerleader can’t be smart?” Christen asks with a smirk. Tobin opens her mouth to start to say something but Christen cuts her off: “Don’t worry, I know. I know that being a high school cheerleader is cliché, but I’ve met my closest friends though cheerleading. I mostly do it because my mom was a cheerleader in high school. It made her so happy to watch me follow in her footsteps and cheer at games, when she could still go to them.”

“Why can’t she go to them anymore?”

“She passed away in January. Brain tumor. That’s most of the ‘emotional baggage’ that Nate was talking about,” she says as she looks out to the yard.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Christen,” Tobin says.

“It’s okay. She was sick for a while, so I was kind of prepared for it. She was really suffering towards the end, so I think it was her time, and I feel at peace with that. I still miss her though–so much–so cheerleading is a way for me to stay close to her. She also loved that I was dating an athlete, even though Nate had her fooled, just like he fooled me at first. I guess that’s part of the reason why I put up with his shit for so long. I just wanted to make my mom proud,” Christen says. She suddenly starts chuckling. “I don’t know why I’m unloading all this shit on you, sorry.”

“You’re good. You’ve been through a lot this year and sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger.”

“I don’t think of you as a stranger. We’ve been going to the same school since 6th grade. I remember you were always playing soccer with the boys at recess. I remember when you won that art contest and painted that beautiful mural in the hallway at our old school. I remember when you sat next to me in Mrs. Edward’s science class, even though you avoided me like the plague,” she says with a chuckle as Tobin hopes that the darkness is hiding her faint blush. “I just figured you were a little shy. So, you asked me a question. Can I ask you one?”

“Yeah, shoot,” Tobin says.

“Why is soccer so special to you? It clearly means a lot to you.”

“I guess… I feel like I’m at home on the field. I sometimes feel like I’m floating through life until I’m on the field with a ball at my feet. I just feel so grounded when I’m playing. I’ve always been better at expressing myself in physical ways, since I’m not the best with words. I guess that’s why I always gravitated towards art and sports. When my sisters moved away to college and my parents got a divorce before high school started, I was feeling pretty lost. But soccer gave me my second family. I could always rely on my teammates and beautiful game.”

“Wow, I’m sorry about your parents. Divorce is so shitty,” Christen says as she leans a little closer to Tobin.

“It’s okay, they weren’t getting along well for a while before the divorce, and I think our family has been a lot better now. Like obviously, it’d be better if we could all be together, but all of the fighting was really hard on everyone, so overall, it’s for the best.”

“I guess we’re both a little broken,” Christen say, her eyes drift down to Tobin’s lips.

“Yeah, I guess. But I think broken things make the most beautiful stories,” Tobin says as her own eyes glance at Christen’s lips.

“I thought you said you weren’t good with words,” Christen says as green eyes meet honey ones.

“I guess inspiration can strike unexpectedly sometimes,” Tobin says leaning closer to Christen.

“Tobin?”

“Yeah?”

“Please kiss me.”

Tobin puts her hand on her cheek as she leans forward and presses her lips to Christen’s. Tobin has kissed her fair share of girls, but it seems like no kiss she’s ever had compares to this one. As soon as their lips connect, she feels like she might burst into flames, the burn starting at their point of contact and radiating throughout the rest of her body in fast waves. After a few seconds of gentle presses Christen swipes her tongue across Tobin’s bottom lip in an attempt to deepen the kiss. Tobin eagerly grants her entry and Christen lets out a small groan when their tongues connect for the first time. After a minute of the kiss growing more passionate, Tobin puts her hands on Christen’s hips and traps her against the railing. When Tobin’s left thigh presses between Christen’s legs, Christen separates from Tobin with another, louder groan. Tobin opens her eyes and is met with the sight of her crush with lips slightly swollen and eyes heavily darkened. Tobin blinks rapidly, making sure she’s still in reality, because it definitely feels like she has departed. Christen grabs Tobin’s hand with a “follow me” and leads her back into Zach’s house. For some reason, she has no problem opening the patio door that Tobin was battling with earlier. Christen leading Tobin upstairs is not missed by Pinoe and Julie, who make eye contact across the room for a second.

“What’s wrong, babe?” Zach asks in Julie’s ear when he notices her scrunched up face.

“I just saw Chris taking Tobin upstairs.”

“Oh! Good for Tobs, she’s a catch.”

“Yeah, but Chris is going through a lot right now. I just don’t know if the timing is good,” Julie says worriedly. She’s been by Christen’s side through all of the ups and downs this year has brought and is nervous about the implications of this hook-up.

“Well anyone with eyes can see that Tobin has it bad for Christen. Maybe this is just what she needs, someone who really cares about her.”

“Yeah, hopefully,” says Julie as she wraps her arms around Zach’s waist in a comforting embrace.

Upstairs, Christen leads Tobin into an empty bedroom and pins her against the door as soon as the its shut.

“You’re so sexy, Tobin,” she whispers in her ear. She takes Tobin’s hat off of her head and tosses it somewhere behind her.

Tobin closes her eyes as Christen drags her fingernails down Tobin’s stomach underneath her T-shirt and attaches her lips to Tobin’s neck in a wet kiss. “I’ve thought about this for a long time, Christen,” Tobin struggles to get out as Christen’s fingers ignite little fires against her skin.

“Oh, yeah?” Christen says with a smirk as she pulls back. “What exactly did you think about doing to me?”

“First of all, kissing you. And I have to say, it definitely lives up to the hype,” Tobin says with a playful wiggle of her eyebrows.

Christen giggles as she tugs Tobin away from the door. “That’s all? I think you can be more creative than that,” she says as she walks backwards and starts slowly unzipping her dress, not daring to break eye contact with Tobin. She lets her dress pool at her feet and Tobin’s jaw drops at the vision of Christen Press in a lacy black bra and panties that cup her ass in the best way possible. Sure, she’s seen her plenty of times in her cheerleading uniform, which is pretty skimpy and hugs the fit girl’s curves in all of the right places. But that doesn’t even compare to THIS.

“Tobin?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you hear what I just said?”

“Nope.”

“Take your shirt off.”

“Right,” Tobin says as she quickly pulls her shirt over her head, tossing it on the ground. Christen’s eyes rake up and down Tobin’s unbelievable torso as she bites her lower lip and sits on the edge of the bed because it feels like her legs might give out. All that time in the weight room is definitely paying off for her.

“Like what you see?” Tobin asks with a smirk while unbuttoning her jeans and kicking off her Nikes.

Christen just nods slowly because she can’t trust her voice not to betray her right now.

Tobin kicks off her jeans and is left standing in a sports bra and briefs. She kneels in front of the sitting Christen, rests her left hand on her thigh, and places soft kisses to each of her knees. “Are you sure about this? We don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for,” Tobin asks softly.

“I want you,” she whispers as she inches back on the bed and wiggles her finger at Tobin in a “get over here” motion.

Tobin kneels on the bed and leans down to start leaving a trail of kisses on her path toward Christen’s head. She connects their lips again and they make out slowly and deliberately, Tobin’s body is grinding gently into Christen’s. They detach for a second, totally out of breath. The only sounds in the room are their gasps for breath and the muffled music of the party. Tobin looks at Christen so softly and slowly traces a thumb across her eyebrow, down her cheek, and across her bottom lip. Christen sucks in a breath at the delicate action, as she doesn’t think anyone has ever looked at her like Tobin is looking at her right now. With so much affection– and maybe something else? Her honey-brown eyes seem to glisten with every emotion she has ever felt for the dark-haired girl.

“I’ve wanted this for so long, Christen,” Tobin reveals as Christen latches on to Tobin’s neck in a heated kiss with a tight hold on her hips, pulling them to grind harder onto her own body.

“Me too. And now, you can have it,” Christen says as she continues lightly kissing Tobin’s neck. Tobin leans away from Christen who gives her a confused look when she’s forced to detach from her neck.

“No, I don’t mean just that. I want _this_ ,” Tobin whispers as she places her fingers over Christen’s racing heart. “I want everything with you,” Christen gasps softly at the feeling of Tobin’s own pounding heart when she places her hand on Tobin’s chest. “I want it all.” The weight of Tobin’s confession pulls Christen out of her lust-driven haze. “I want _us_ , Christen.” Christen begins to panic when she realizes what this means to Tobin and a feeling of guilt washes over her when she realizes she can’t give Tobin what she wants–what she deserves. She doesn’t feel worthy of taking what Tobin wants to give her. It’s too much. Christen gently pushes Tobin off of her as her breathing becomes erratic.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Did I do something?” Tobin asks with a confused look on her face. She hopes she didn’t push Christen too far.

“This wasn’t supposed to be that,” Christen says softly, not making eye contact with Tobin. She gets off of the bed and quickly puts her dress back on. She quickly walks out of the room.

“Christen, wait!” Tobin shouts as she scrambles to get her clothes back on.

Christen runs down the stairs and finds Ali and Ash.

“Chris, are you okay? What happened?” Ali asks when she sees how distressed her best friend looks.

“I’m fine,” she was surprised at her shaky voice, and touched her face to find it wet with tears.

“I saw you with Tobin, did she do something?”

“No! No, it was all my fault. I’ll explain later. Can you just bring me home? I know she’ll be looking for me and I can’t face her.” Christen wraps her arms around her chest, trying to fix how hollow she feels.

“Yeah, of course. Ash, could you drive us?” Ali rubs Christen’s back soothingly.

“Sure, I haven’t been drinking. Let’s head out.”


	2. To Wish Impossible Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being hype on the first chap. Had some time to write, so here's the next one.

The trio walks out the front doors just as Tobin crashes out of the bedroom and looks around, frantically searching for the green-eyed girl that she seems to have accidentally hurt. _Typical, Tobin. You get a chance with the girl you’ve been crushing on since middle school and you immediately proceed to screw it up. Some of your finest work._ She walks up to Julie.

“Hey, have you seen Christen?” Tobin asks trying to hide her panic from her voice.

“Yeah, she just left with Ash and Ali. Did something happen? She looked upset. Also, are you okay?” Julie asked, placing her hand on Tobin’s forearm in a comforting touch.

“Crap. Yeah, we were, uh, kissing and stuff. And I was telling her how much this meant to me, how much she meant to me. And she suddenly pushed me off of her and ran out of the room. I don’t know what I did, but I feel awful,” Tobin says, finally having a chance to process what happened.

Julie sighs. “I had a feeling something like that would happen. Listen Tobin, Chris has gone through a lot this year.”

“Yeah, she told me about her mom.”

Julie raises her eyebrows in surprise, “Oh? Chris doesn’t usually talk about that with people she isn’t close with. Well, it’s not just that. Nate really did a number on her. You saw what happened tonight. He’s been saying shit like that to her for over a year. Her self-confidence isn’t in a great place right now. It seems like she just wanted something to get her mind off of everything.”

“Shit, and then I started saying all of that heavy shit and freaked her out. I’m such an idiot. I shouldn’t have expected all of that from her.”

“Well, to be fair, she did choose her first hook up to be someone that’s been in love with her since like 6th grade,” Julie says with a knowing smile.

“You know about that?! How?!” Tobin asks with wide eyes.

“When I saw Chris take you upstairs, I talked with Pinoe and she told me how excited she was for you. She accidentally spilled about your crush, although we all have eyes. It’s easy to see how you look at her. That’s when I figured it wouldn’t end very well. Don’t worry Tobs, I’ll talk to her tomorrow, once she cools down a bit.”

“Thanks, Julie. I guess cheerleaders can be pretty cool,” she says with a small grin. “Can you just let me know if she’s okay? I feel like a complete asshole.”

“Of course. Don’t worry, Tobs, this is fixable.”

“Wait, you actually managed to get Christen Press in bed, and instead of just fucking her like she wanted you messed it up by telling her a bunch of creepy, romantic stuff?” Kelley asks as they sit in the McDonald’s drive through around 2AM, waiting to place their order.

“Kelley! It wasn’t creepy. I was being honest. I never wanted her to just be a hookup. She’s more special to me than that.”

“Damn, you missed out on a chance to get with one of the finest girls at Belmont High. She practically jumped onto your lap and you ruined it by opening your mouth. That’s gotta be the most Tobin thing that you’ve ever done,” Pinoe jokes.

“Hey! You guys are supposed to support me, or whatever. And Pinoe, I’m still mad at you for spilling about my crush to Julie. Some friends you guys are,” Tobin says as Pinoe accepts the giant bag of food from the drive-thru window.

“Toby, I’m sorry I told Julie! I was just so excited, I couldn’t hold it in. And you know we’re just teasing. You did pick a really complicated chick to like though. I’m not sure how you’re gonna fix this one,” Pinoe offers.

Tobin cringes. “Yeah, I might’ve blown it. I exposed myself and I don’t know if she’ll ever want what I do with her. It’s not as simple as I thought.”

“Don’t lose hope, Toby! There’s not much drunk McDonald’s can’t fix,” Kelley says with a fistful of fries, getting a laugh out of her friend. They drive to Tobin’s house, enjoying their food and crashing into bed together.

Christen opens her eyes to a stream of bright light shining directly on her face. She groans and rolls over when she slowly remembers the events of last night. _I ruined everything._ Suddenly, her door crashes open with Julie and Ali walking in.

“Hey! Stop that, CP. I can already tell what you’re doing. And you’ve got to stop. No more brooding!” Julie scolds her best friend knowingly.

“I threw myself at a girl I’ve known for forever and she proceeds to let me know that she basically loves me, and I run out on her and I’m not allowed to think about it?”

“You are, but I know you’re being dark and moody about it. Like, ‘oh, I don’t deserve that kind of love anyways.’”

Christen groans into her pillow, knowing there’s some truth to Julie’s words. “She’s so cute, Chris! What’s the problem?” Ali asks while rubbing her friend’s back.

“Honestly, it all just caught me off guard. I thought she’d just be a fun hookup, I mean she’s super hot. And I’ve definitely thought about it. But that’s all I wanted it to be. But she touched me so gently, as if I was going to break at any moment. And she looked at me with so much affection, like she never wanted to forget exactly what I looked like. It was never like that with Nate. With him, it was always just fucking. But she wanted something else, something I’ve never experienced with anyone before. And that scared the shit out of me. I mean, hookups shouldn’t be like that.”

“But maybe after being with Nate for all those years, you should let someone like her show you how you should be treated. Not like a piece of meat, or any of those awful things that Nate said,” Julie offers.

“I’m scared,” Christen says in a small voice.

“Of what?”

“When she said all those things to me, I realized that I might want them too. But I’m scared that I’ll try to give her all of those things. That I’ll open my heart to her. But eventually she’ll just see what Nathan saw and toss me aside. Or cheat on me when I’m not enough.”

“Oh Christen, that would never happen. You’re too special for that and Nathan never deserved you. But you also aren’t being very fair to her. You don’t know if she’ll do that, and I have a gut feeling that she would never. But that’s also the exciting and beautiful thing about love. You have to trust the other person not to hurt you. And that can definitely be scary, especially since Nate has spent the past 3 years hurting you instead of loving you,” Ali says.

“God, why am I so fucked up. And why did she do that to me!?”

“To be fair, you did say you basically threw yourself at her. So, it’s a good thing that she was so honest about what she wants,” Ali responds.

“Also, she’s had a crush on you for the longest time, and you’ve been dating Nate for so long, so when she saw her chance, she went for it. I definitely respect that,” Julie says with a smile.

“That puts so much pressure on everything. I just need to think about all this. I need some time. Do you think she’ll wait? God, I don’t even have a way to contact her to apologize for freaking out. I don’t even know what I would say.”

“If you want, I can let her know that you’re okay. Zach has her number, they’re pretty good friends.”

“Yeah that’d be great, thanks JJ. So… what does Zach think of her?”

“Honestly? He might start dating her if you don’t,” Julie says with a grin. Christen lets out a frustrated huff and rolls back into her pillow.

It’s the morning before the first day of school and Tobin looks at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She’s wearing a white soccer tee and a black snapback. Her long brown hair falls down her shoulder in natural waves. She can see the faint bags under her eyes forming from her lack of sleep the past couple of nights.

“Well, this is as good as it’s gonna get,” Tobin says with a sigh as she exits the bathroom, grabs her red backpack and soccer bag, and walks to her black Jeep Wrangler. She had gotten it this summer with the money she earned from working at the soccer camp. It was a little banged up since she had gotten it used, but it got the job done. She turns on the radio as she backs out of the driveway and makes her way to Belmont High. She pulls into the school’s parking lot. Lots of students are hanging out by their cars, catching up on each other’s summers before the first day of school begins. She notices Ali and Alex with a few other cheerleaders talking in a group. She gets out of her car and starts craning her neck to see if Christen is with them. _I hope I didn’t freak her out so badly that she transferred schools._

“She’s not here yet,” Tobin jumps at the familiar voice behind her.

“Christ, Julie! Could you maybe warn a girl?”

Julie giggles at Tobin gripping her chest. “Her dad always drives her on the first day of school. It’s a family tradition.”

“Oh, right. I was wondering if she maybe fled the state after Saturday night.”

“No, unfortunately the Witness Protection Program denied her application,” Julie jokes, receiving a groan from Tobin. “Sorry, you just make it so easy. I talked to her yesterday though. She’s totally fine, just a bit confused about how she feels, which isn’t really new. I think you just have to give it some time, Tobin.”

Tobin sighs. It’s not exactly what she was hoping to hear, but she’s just happy she didn’t cause any more damage to Christen. “I’m just glad she’s okay, thanks for checking in with me, Julie.”

Julie watches as Tobin’s shoulders sag a little bit. “You know, she did ask about you quite a bit. She wanted to know what Zach thought about you.”

“She did?! What did you say?” Tobin asks with wide eyes.

“She’s my best friend, I had to tell her the truth,” Julie says with a solemn expression. “I told her that Zach absolutely can’t stand you. That he thinks you’re the most annoying human to ever walk the face of the Earth.”

“Julie, c’mon!” Tobin says as she shoves the blonde girls shoulder lightly. Julie bursts out in a fit of laughter.

“Man, you should’ve seen your face! You’ve got to lighten up. You know I told her that Zach thinks the world of you.”

“That’s all? You should’ve told her I can do more push-ups than him,” Tobin quips back, regaining some of her confidence from Julie’s compliment.

“Hm, maybe I should’ve told her about how cocky you are.” The girls head towards to school as the first bell rings.

Christen shuts her locker when she notices Julie walking down the hall. She opens her mouth to call out to her best friend when she notices the pair of brown eyes that she couldn’t stop thinking about all weekend. _What the hell?_ Christen panics and runs into the nearest classroom just as Julie and Tobin walk by, chatting like old friends.

“Can’t seem to stay away, can you, Chrissy? What’s wrong, Heath couldn’t satisfy your needs on Saturday?”

Christen tenses up as she hears her ex-boyfriends self-assured voice behind her. She turns around to see Nate in the empty classroom that she ran into. _Are you kidding me? Wait, how does he know about Saturday?_ “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” not wanting to engage with Nate being an asshole first thing in the morning.

“C’mon, don’t act dumb. You know everyone knows everything around here. I have to say though, if you were going to jump someone so quickly, you could’ve picked someone a little taller.”

“Shut up, Nate.”

“Ooo, did I hit a nerve? You know she won’t be able to satisfy your needs. Call me when you need a real fuck, I’ll see if I can fit you into my busy schedule.”

Christen rolls her eyes, knowing it’s pointless to engage further. She walks out of the classroom and to her first class. Other students start to enter the classroom as the bell is about to ring to begin class. Nate looks up from his phone to notice the girl that’s really been pissing him off lately walk into the room.

“Hey Heath, heard you picked up my sloppy seconds this weekend,” Nate says with a loud laugh.

Tobin groans, not expecting to share a class with that dipshit.

“Heard that you couldn’t finish the job though. If you want, I could give you some pointers. I never had any problem making Chrissy come while screaming my name. Honestly, it doesn’t take a lot of effort.”

“Don’t talk about her like that,” Tobin says angrily as she clenches her fist.

“You think you can tell me what to do? She’s _my_ girlfriend.”

“Don’t you mean ex-girlfriend? Or did you not get the memo?”

“You better watch your fucking mouth.”

“Why should I?”

“Listen, Heath. I’m trying to give you some friendly advice. We’re both soccer players, we should stick together. If you’re interested in Christen, you should forget about it. She might say that we’re broken up, but that doesn’t mean anything. She’s done this plenty of times before, and she always comes crawling back to me. So, save yourself the trouble.”

“I think she can decide for herself whether or not she wants to date you. And I can decide for myself whether or not I’d like to see her," Tobin says. _Not that Christen even wants to see me, but he doesn't have to know that._

“I’ve been nice up to this point but listen closely. You will _not_ talk to Christen anymore. If I so much as catch you throw a glance in her direction, I’ll make your life a living hell. I would beat the shit out of you, but I won’t because you’re a chick. Wouldn’t be a fair fight.”

“So why don’t we settle this on the soccer field? You and me, 1 v 1. Best out of 5. If you win, I won’t talk to Christen anymore. But if _I_ win, you’ll leave her alone, and stop spreading those rumors about her,” Tobin says. _Where the hell did that come from?_

“HA! You think you can beat me at 1 v 1? I’m stronger, faster, and the best player in the school. You’re stupider than you look. OK. Friday night, on the practice field. Get ready to eat shit.”

Their chemistry teacher walks into the room right as the bell rings and starts the class. Tobin finds an open seat as far away from Nate as possible.

After a couple more classes, Tobin heads to the cafeteria with Kelley to meet Pinoe for lunch. Tobin can’t stop thinking about her conversation with Nate. Her blood is boiling as she thinks about the way he talks about Christen. _What. A. Fucking. Moron._ She buys a turkey sandwich and water as she stalks over to their usual table.

“Wow, why do you look like you just murdered the turkey that provided the meat for your sandwich?”

“Nathan Carter,” Tobin mutters.

“Oh yeah, we heard about your bet! Fighting for your lady’s honor, eh?” Kelley says with a mouth full of sandwich.

“If I was a guy, I could just beat the shit out of him.”

“Oh Toby, you know violence is not the answer,” Pinoe scolds wagging her index finger at her friend.

“You should just beat him up anyways. You could probably knock him on his ass, even if you are kind of scrawny,” Kelley says with a grin.

“Hey! I am not scrawny.”

“Well, you won’t have any problems beating him at soccer, unless he cheats of course. You need to be careful that he doesn’t injure you. Unlike him, your team has a state championship title to defend,” Pinoe reminds her.

“Yeah, you’re right. I don’t even know why I engage with him. He’s a fucking idiot,” Tobin says glaring at his head across the lunchroom.

“Hm, I can think of a reason,” Pinoe smirks while nodding her head towards the cheerleaders sitting together a few tables behind theirs.

“I don’t think she’ll be very impressed by it. She’s got a lot more brain cells than Carter and I do,” Tobin sighs.

“Well the entire guys’ team shares one brain cell, and I don’t think he gets to use it very often,” Pinoe says just as Kelley takes a large gulp of her water, causing her to laugh and choke simultaneously as she pours water all over the table.

After lunch, and a couple more classes Tobin makes her way to Honors English– her last class of the day. She’s nervous for this class, having never taken an honors class before. Her grades are decent, but she has to work hard for them. She only took Honors English because her teacher from last year had pushed her to because she had done so well in the standard section. She takes a seat towards the back, hoping that the teacher won’t call on her to answer questions if she’s hidden behind 20 other students’ faces.

Suddenly, the memory of Christen’s laugh fills her ears. The laugh starts out soft and keeps growing in volume as she thinks about the green-eyed girl. She smiles as she remembers the nice time they had together before she messed everything up. The memory is so vivid, it’s almost like she’s actually hearing it. _Shit!_ Tobin ducks her head behind her backpack that’s resting on top of her desk. It wasn’t a memory at all, she realizes as Christen Press walks into her class, laughing with a red-headed girl. She takes a seat in the second row, to the right of the column of seats that Tobin is sitting in. Tobin stares at the dark-haired girl, still in full conversation with the other girl. She is talking animatedly, hands waving around the air in front of her. Her hair is straightened and she’s wearing a plaid skirt and a black top. Her legs look amazing. She laughs and smiles earnestly when the other girl responds. Tobin feels a tang of jealousy. The bell rings and Christen faces forward attentively. The teacher begins taking attendance, as they always do on the first day of school. Tobin fidgets in her seat as the teacher makes her way through the list of names.

“Heath Tobin?”

“Present. But it’s Tobin Heath.” Christen whips her head toward Tobin’s voice. Tobin looks up from her desk and their eyes connect. Tobin gives her a small smile to which Christen responds with faint blush.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that! Tobin Heath.” The teacher corrects her mistake. Christen turns her head back to the teacher.

Class continues and the teacher discusses the syllabus and what books they’ll be reading this year. Tobin tries to take notes, knowing that she needs to try extra hard in this class, but her gaze continues to find the back of Christen’s head without fail. Tobin watches as Christen takes notes diligently and remembers that she needs to be taking her own notes. Class ends as quickly as it begins, and Tobin puts her notebook into her backpack. When she looks back up to Christen’s seat the girl is gone.

Christen heads straight to the locker room to get changed for practice. She sits down on a bench for a second as she processes the fact that she has to share a class with Tobin. She was not expecting that. They hadn’t had a class together since middle school, since in high school Christen took almost all honors classes and Tobin didn’t. This puts a slight wrinkle in her plan to avoid the other girl as much as possible, still feeling embarrassed about what happened at Zach’s party. Christen had been thinking about what happened for the majority of the last 36 or so hours. She changes into her athletic shorts and tank top and heads out to the field to get in some stretching before practice, hoping to relax a bit.

“Hey Chris! How was your first day?” Ali asks as she walks up to wear Christen is sitting.

“It was pretty good. I got Mr. Simmonds for pre-calc so I’m not too excited about that.”

“Oooo that’s tough. I heard he gives a ridiculous amount of homework.”

“Yup. I already have a ton tonight, and it’s the first day.”

“At what point did teachers decide it was okay to give homework on the first day of school?” Ali asks.

“Hm, they must’ve all met up sometime after 5th grade and decided they have to start ruining our lives,” Christen says with a chuckle.

All of the fall sports teams are practicing on the array of fields behind the school. As luck would have it, the girls soccer team is doing conditioning on the field next to where the cheerleaders are practicing. The girls are running suicides up and down the length of the soccer field. It’s blistering hot outside and most of the soccer players are stripped down to their sports bras, their bodies covered in sweat. Christen watches as Tobin finishes a rep. Only a few players are remaining, the other ones dropping out gradually, unable to push themselves any further. She puts her hands on her knees after wiping her brow and waiting for her coach to blow the whistle to start the next rep.

“Hey Chris, someone caught your eye?”  
  
“Speak for yourself Ali, I see you watching Ash!” Julie scolds as she walks up to her friends.

“Thanks, Julie!”

“Hey, I heard that Tobin is going up against Nathan in 1 v 1 on Friday,” Julie says.

“Excuse, me?” Christen asks with wide eyes. 

“Apparently they got into a fight in first period and decided that they would settle it on the soccer field.”

“What were they fighting about?” 

“I’m not sure, but if I had to guess I would say it had something to do with you,” Julie says with a shrug. 

Christen feels guilty that Nathan is giving Tobin a hard time just because of their one interaction together. She looks over at the soccer field and takes a moment to appraise that girl that she had managed to captivate so strongly that she would argue with her asshole of an ex-boyfriend. Her ponytail was whipping around furiously as she sprinted down the field. Her thigh muscles rippled with every pounding step. Her arms are pumping hard. Her strong calves propel her up and forward at an amazing pace. Droplets of sweat expel off of her skin due to her impressive speed. Christen didn’t know much about the girl other than what she had observed from limited interactions over the years. But, she realized that no one had made her feel as special as she did in a long time. She had the sudden urge to learn as much as possible about the other girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know Tobin was def that kid in class that said “present” when the teacher called their name for attendance lol


	3. I Wanna See You But It's Gonna Hurt

Christen walks down the hallway to meet with the tutoring group. Even though it’s still the first week of school, the group still likes to meet so that the students that need tutoring can feel comfortable and get to know their tutors. Christen has been tutoring since freshman year, having enjoyed helping her fellow classmates. As she’s walking, she hears a few giggles from one of the classrooms. She peers in and is surprised at what she sees.

_Tobin._

Well, it’s Tobin and a bunch of preschoolers. Each preschooler is sitting behind an easel with a canvas. They’re also drowning in enormous white smocks. Each canvas is bursting with color, and although they might be lacking any familiar structures, they are already becoming little masters of the abstract. Tobin is walking among the rows of little munchkins offering them tips if they have questions and adding extra paint to their pallets. Tobin approaches a little girl with nothing on her canvas yet.

“Hey, Anna. What’s wrong, why aren’t you painting yet?”

“I don’t want to make a mistake, Toby,” the smaller brown-haired girl says with a frown.

“You can paint whatever you want, Anna. You can’t make a mistake, because whatever you make today will be special. An Anna Original!”

Anna giggles. “Okay, Toby.”

“What’s your favorite color, Anna?” Tobin asks with a smile.

“Blue! But not regular blue. Baby blue!” Tobin grabs a large bottle of light blue paint and pours it onto Anna’s pallet.

“Here you go! Start with your favorite color. Can you think of anything that’s baby blue?”

“The sky! It’s my favorite! Toby, I can paint the sky, and clouds, and birds, and airplanes!”

Tobin chuckles and pats the top of Anna’s head. “Go for it, kiddo.”

Christen’s heart swells at the moment between the two and she smiles to herself, once again left amazed by the other girl’s kindness. She turns to keep walking to her meeting when she realizes she’s about to be late.

“So, Chris, what do you think of Tobin?” Alex asks as she sits down at their regular lunch table.

Christen nearly chokes on her water, “Tobin Heath?”

“No, the other Tobin in our class. Yes! Of course, that Tobin. I know you guys had a thing at Zach’s party, but you’re not interested in her, are you? I mean you did run out on her.” Christen is pretty sure that Alex doesn’t know the details of her night with Tobin, since she only told Julie and Ali about it.

“What are you getting at, Alex?” Julie asks with her eyebrows raised.

“Well, if Chris isn’t interested in her, other people might be,” Alex says with a smile.

“Like who?” Christen asks. Her cheeks feel hot at the thought of Tobin with someone else as she realizes her own feelings are blooming for the girl.

“Like me! She’s so hot. I can’t believe you would say no to that.”

“Alex, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea,” Julie says, eyes darting to Christen’s. Christen looks down at her food with a small frown. Sure, she hadn’t completely worked out how she felt about Tobin or being in a relationship in general. But she definitely didn’t want other girls going after her. However, it would be selfish of her to put Tobin’s love life on pause just because her own was such a mess.

Alex shrugs, “What do you think, Chris? We could be good together.” Just then, the bell rang, and everyone started getting ready to go to class.

“I, uh, have to get to class,” Christen stutters out, packing up her stuff and rushing out of the cafeteria.

Thoughts swarm through Christen’s head as she trudges through the rest of the day. She makes it to her last class, English, when she sees the subject of her thoughts sitting in her regular seat towards the back of the class. Her dark gold hair drapes over her shoulders and her eyes crinkle as she laughs at something the boy sitting next to her says. Christen thinks about what things make Tobin laugh as she enjoys its happy sound.

Mrs. Johnson walks into the room as the bell rings and begins class.

“Alright, class. As you know, you were supposed to read _A Tale of Two Cities_ over the summer. To start off our discussion of the book, for class today I’d like you to pair up into groups of two and answer the questions on the chalkboard. Go ahead and get started, and make sure to take notes for the discussion we’ll have tomorrow.”

All of the students stand up and start rushing toward the friend they want to pair up with. _This is my chance_ , Tobin thinks as she starts walking towards Christen before she can second guess herself. She’s been aching to talk to Christen since last weekend.

“Hey, would you wanna be my partner?” Tobin asks without breaking eye contact with her shoes.

Christen laughs and when Tobin finally looks at her Christen looks around the room jokingly.

“Oh, were you talking to me? I wasn’t sure because generally people look at me when they want to ask me something,” Christen says teasingly.

Tobin lets out a huff and rolls her eyes playfully, “Must be a cheerleader thing.”

“Must be. I’d love to be your partner, Tobin,” Christen says sweetly to the shy girl. Tobin grins widely and sits in the seat beside Christen. Christen’s cheeks flush faintly as she thinks about how nice it feels to make Tobin smile.

“I can’t remember the last time we’ve had a class together,” Christen says.

“Not since middle school.”

“Wow, it’s been a while, huh?”

“Good thing I chose you as my partner, I definitely remember what a nerd you are.”

“Oh, so you though you could just strut over here and use me to get an easy A? Think again, Heath. I’m gonna make you work for it,” Christen teases.

“I’m sure you will,” Tobin says with a chuckle as she feels an embarrassed heat creep up her neck.

They delve into the assignment, and have an easy time answering the questions. Tobin admits that she struggled with the book, but she still finished it and Christen was able to help her answer all the questions. Christen talks about what she liked and disliked about the book, gesturing animatedly with her hands, occasionally tucking a loose curl behind her ear. Tobin mostly watches with a smile as the other girl continues to ramble on, occasionally offering her own thoughts about the book, which Christen always smiles widely at.

“So, Christen…” Tobin asks when Christen finally becomes too winded to continue.

“So, Tobin,” Christen returns with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

“I just wanted to talk to you about Zach’s party. I wanted to apologize for what happened. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Christen’s face falls when she remembers how she ruined their first time together.

“Tobin, it wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have led you on like that.”

“No, Chris.” Tobin puts her hand on Christen’s. “You told me about all that stuff that happened to you, and I let my own feelings influence my actions. You opened up to me and I screwed it up. I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you ever need someone, like, as a friend, or whatever.” Tobin removes her hand from Christen’s and rubs the back of her neck as she waits for Christen to respond.

Christen looks at Tobin’s eyes and finds nothing but earnest kindness. And suddenly she really wants to tell Tobin that she was also acting on her feelings the night of the party. It wasn’t one-sided.

“Tobin, I–,” suddenly the bell rings. Christen blinks a few times, shaken out of Tobin’s spell by the sudden sound. “I, uh, have to get to practice. See you later!”

“See you,” Tobin starts to say but Christen’s already out the door. “Later.” Tobin sighs and starts to pack her stuff when something on Christen’s desk catches her eye. She picks up the small floral printed notebook and opens it to find Christen’s pretty handwriting. She closes the journal and tucks it safely into her backpack.

Tobin goes to practice and they have a recovery day because of all of the fitness testing they’ve been doing. They play small sided scrimmages and work on shooting on net for the last 30 minutes. Tobin stays late and practices taking shots on Ashlyn. She whips a shot into the left upper 90 from just outside the box.

“Damn, Tobs, that’s a beauty of a shot. Make sure to rip it like that at our first game,” Ashlyn says with a fist pump.

Tobin starts juggling a ball when she says, “Thanks, Ash. You’ve been killing it yourself.” A group of cheerleaders walks by laughing. Ashlyn cranes her head to see Ali walking with her teammates. Tobin lobs the ball she’s been juggling, and it hits Ash in the chest.

“Ouch, Tobs!” Ashlyn chucks the ball back at Tobin.

“Sorry, dude!” Tobin laughs as she dodges the ball. “Something’s got you distracted? Or should I say someone?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Just a cute girl,” Ash says with a wink.

“Hm, I don’t know about _just_. How’s that been going?”

“Really great, actually. Ali’s different. She’s funny, and so smart, and looks like a fucking model, and she makes me feel so special-,” Ashlyn trails off when she notices her friend smirking at her rambling. “Oh, shut up.”

“Nah, I’m really happy for you bro. You guys are really good together. I can only hope to find something like that.”

“Any girl would be lucky to have someone like you, Toby.”

“Thanks, but the one girl that I want to be with doesn’t want to be with me,” Tobin sighs while looking over at the green-eyed girl walking next to Ali.

“I think it might just be a little complicated for her, Tobs. When Ali and I started hooking up this summer, it didn’t really seem like she wanted a relationship. It was just sex. And I let it happen even though I had fallen for her because I’d rather have part of her than none of her. I think she was afraid of commitment. I finally was honest with her and told her how I felt, and she admitted that she felt the same way. People don’t usually have the guts to do what you did that night with Christen, to just completely reveal how you feel. But I think she’ll come around. Don’t look but she’s looking over here now and I don’t think it’s me she’s looking at.”

Tobin blushes and fights the urge to turn her head. “Are you serious?!”

“Yup. Hey babe!!” Ashlyn shouts and waves both arms at the group of cheerleaders. Tobin turns her head towards them as casually as she can and sees Christen looking at her. A chill runs up her spine when they lock eyes. Ali waves at them and whispers something in Christen’s ear. Christen smacks Ali’s arm playfully and Tobin thinks she can see her cheeks redden as they make it to the locker room.

“Looks like my inside woman is doing her job,” Ashlyn says with a grin.

“What!? You told Ali to talk to Christen about me?!” Tobin asks with wide eyes.

“Chill out, Tobs,” Ashlyn chuckles. “I just asked her to get some intel, and maybe throw out a few compliments about you.”

“I don’t know if I appreciated the meddling in my love life,” Tobin says with a huff.

“Trust me, you need all the help you can get with this one,” Ashlyn says with a laugh. They grab their bags and walk to the parking lot.

Later that night, once she’s eaten dinner and finished her homework, Tobin takes out the notebook that Christen had left behind. She stares at it for a few minutes, weighing her options. She really wants to read it. But that would be an invasion of her privacy. But what if it’s just notes for school? A peek wouldn’t hurt anyone, right? She opens to the first page and finds a short poem:

_I feel you in the sun and the clouds._

_I feel you in the moon and the stars._

_I feel you in every smile and frown._

_I feel you in every breath I take._

_Why did you leave so soon?_

_When I was still getting to know you._

_It’s more than just I miss you,_

_It’s more like you’re missing from me._

Tobin shuts the journal as she thinks about what she just read. She thinks about Christen’s loss of her mother and the profound pain she must be feeling. She realizes that she can’t read anymore, and she needs to return the journal as soon as possible. She does however plan a stop before she goes into school. She stares out her window at the moon for long hours that night, unable to rest with Christen’s journal under her pillow. All of her thoughts, her pain, her sadness contained in 100 or so pages that Tobin quietly vows to protect.

“Chris, you’ve got to calm down.”

“I can’t calm down, Julie, you know how important my journal is to me! I can’t find it anywhere,” Christen says as she tosses things out of her locker in onto the ground in the hallway.

“You’re kind of causing a scene right now. It’s gonna be okay, you probably just left it in one of your classes yesterday,” Julie says as she bends down to pick up the papers that Christen threw on the ground, smiling apologetically at people who are avoiding stepping on them as they walk by.

“That’s not the point! What if someone finds it and reads it! What if they start telling people about it?”

“Chris, you don’t know that. They’ll probably realize that it's personal and return it to you.”

“I just don’t feel like myself without it,” Christen says sadly.

Christen turns around when she hears someone clear their throat. Her eyes widen when she finds Tobin standing there, looking a little sheepish.

“Tobin?”

“Um, so I’m really sorry, but you left your journal in English yesterday.” She pulls the familiarly patterned notebook out of her backpack. Christen grabs it from her a little roughly.

“So you just picked up something that doesn’t belong to you?”

“Whoa Chris, slow down,” Julie says, seeing her friend get more agitated by the second. Tobin shuffles uncomfortably.

“Did you read it?” Christen asks, voice laced with frustration.

“I did.” Christen’s face shows exactly how angry she is with the other girl. “Shit–but I just wanted to make sure it was yours. And it was just, like, the first page. And then I realized it was personal, so I made sure to sto–“

“What the fuck, Tobin? This isn’t yours to read! I liked you better when you were just trying to fuck me and not reading my personal journal like a fucking magazine in a waiting room.” Christen is seething as she slams her locker shut.

“Christen, it wasn’t like that,” Tobin says as she looks down at her shoes in shame. Anyone watching can see how sorry Tobin is, but Christen just sees red.

“Just leave me alone!” Christen rushes off towards the bathroom.

Julie’s jaw drops. “Tobin, I’m so sorry. She did not mean any of that, she’s just been so upset.”

“She sounded pretty sure of herself,” Tobin’s voice cracks as she turns her head away from Julie’s gaze.

“Tobin, I’m really sorry, but I really need to go check on Christen,” Julie puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“It’s okay. Go.” Julie squeezes her shoulder and rushes after Christen. Tobin wipes her eyes with her sweatshirt sleeve and starts walking to class.

Julie walks into the bathroom but it appears empty. “Chris?” Julie calls out. She hears her friends’ sniffles and notices her crouching in the corner, leaning against the well. “Oh, Chris,” Julie sinks onto the floor and puts an arm around Christen’s shoulders.

“Want to tell me what that was all about? You know Tobin wouldn’t intentionally hurt you like that.”

“She had no right to read my journal! This is my closest connection to my mom. It’s all I have left of her and I thought it was gone.”

“Chris–I get that. But you saw her face and you know how she feels about you. I think she was being honest about only reading a page of it.”

“Even one page is too much!” Christen bites out, feeling completely betrayed by Tobin’s mistake.

“But she kept it safe for you and returned it the next day. Do you really think she would do that if she had any ill intent? I know you’re really upset but take a second to think about it.” Christen takes a second to steady her breathing, finally able to feel better now that her journal was in her possession. She remembers how small and sad Tobin looked as she was yelling at her. She didn’t deserve that. And Julie was right, Tobin had kept her journal safe, and she had overreacted terribly. Christen gasps when she realizes the awful things she had said to Tobin in her rage.

“Oh, no. I really messed up, didn’t I? Again. I was just so upset, I wasn’t even thinking. And now she probably hates me.”

“I don’t think she could ever hate you, Christen. You need to give her more credit than that. But I think you should maybe apologize for yelling at her,” Julie says while rubbing Christen’s back trying to relax her.

“Yeah, I do. I really keep messing everything up with her. I can’t believe I said those things.”

“Don’t worry, Chris. I know she’ll understand.”

Tobin goes through the rest of the day in a bit of a haze. She feels terrible for reading even a page of Christen’s journal, but she feels even worse about Christen’s reaction. _That’s what she thinks of me? That I’m just trying to have sex with her? That I would take advantage of her like that?_ Tobin starts to feel hopeless about her chances with Christen. She ends up back at her house after a long day.

Christen feels terribly guilty for hurting Tobin the way she did. After her conversation with Julie, she realized that she has to apologize to the one person that’s treated her with nothing but kindness. She’s sitting on her bed that night when she opens up her journal and something fall onto her lap. She picks up the object. A pressed red carnation with a small note attached to it:

_My heart aches for you._

_–T_

Christen gasps as she realizes how wrong she had been about Tobin. The girl truly cared about her. And even though she was still afraid of trusting someone with her feelings again, she was finally ready to try with Tobin. No one has ever made her feel so special and she wants to give them a chance. She makes a plan to go to Tobin’s house to talk to her that night, knowing she couldn’t make her wait any longer.

Someone rings the doorbell and Tobin stands up to answer the door, wondering who it could be at this time of night.

“Hey, Tobin.”

“Hey, is everything okay?

“Yeah, I was wondering if we could talk?”

“Yeah, of course!” Tobin leads her into the living room.

“So, I know you’re probably surprised to see me at your house. But I just really needed to talk to you in person. I like you, Tobin. A lot. I think you’re really funny and kind. And cute.” Tobin’s head starts spinning. Alex Morgan likes her? One of the prettiest and most popular girls from school.

Christen pulls up to Tobin’s house. She got her address from Zach once she decided she needed to talk to her in person. She takes a deep breath to settle herself. _You can do this. Just tell her how you feel about her. Oh, and apologize for yelling at her in front of everyone in the hallway. She’s Tobin. She’ll understand._ Christen walks towards Tobin’s front door, legs a little shaky with nerves.

“And I also came here to do this,” Alex says as she leans towards Tobin’s face. She presses her lips to Tobin’s in a soft kiss.

Christen’s heart drops at what she sees through the window. Tobin’s kissing Alex? This is exactly what she expected to happen. That she would be dropped as soon as something better comes by. But it hurts even more that Tobin is the one that dropped her. Her eyes water and she turns and walks back to her car in complete and utter defeat.

Tobin is frozen in surprise for a few seconds when Alex presses her lips on hers. But she quickly remembers the only person she wants to be kissing and pulls away gently. “I’m sorry, Alex. You’re beautiful and anyone would be lucky to kiss you,” Tobin starts.

“But not you?” her voice laced with disappointment from the rejection.

“I can’t give you what you want,” Tobin says with a frown.

“It’s Christen, isn’t it? I heard that you hooked up at Zach’s party, but I didn’t think it was anything more than that.”

_Jeez, does the whole school know about that night?_ “It’s, uh, complicated. I mean, I haven’t even asked her out or anything, and I’m pretty sure she might not want anything to do with me right now, but I definitely can’t stop thinking about her. And you deserve someone that will love you completely.”

“Honestly, Tobin, I didn’t come here looking for a relationship. But I think you’re right. Maybe it’s time I found someone that cares about me like you care for Christen. You have to tell her how you feel.”

“That’s the thing, she already knows how I feel and I kind of keep messing it up. I don’t think she wants to talk to me right now. But thanks, Alex. And I’m really flattered that you came here and told me how you feel. I know that’s not an easy thing to do. I’m sorry I’m not what you’re looking for, but I know you’ll find it someday,” Tobin says sweetly as she squeezes Alex’s hand.

“You’re a really special person, Tobin. I’ll be rooting for you to find what you’re looking for too.”

All Christen can think about on her drive home is how Nathan cheated on her when they were together. At first, she would just notice his wandering eye. Then it became wandering hands. And eventually, she walked in on him kissing another girl at a party that summer. He blamed it on a game of spin the bottle and Christen pretended that it was okay. But nothing hurt her more than feeling unwanted and disposable. And now the girl it seems that the universe is pushing her towards is the same. She knows that she has no right to be angry with Tobin. They aren’t dating. For Christ’s sake’s, she had just screamed at the girl that day. But she had hoped that Tobin would wait a little longer, especially after her confession at Zach’s party. The possibility of a relationship with Tobin now seems to be buried. It’s probably easier for her with Alex. No mess. No baggage. Uncomplicated.

And suddenly, Christen’s sadness turns into jealousy. She’s jealous that Tobin can have what she wants with someone else. Someone better than her. Someone who’s capable of loving Tobin the way she deserves to be loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmk what you think. Stay safe out there.


End file.
